What is Sex Negativity?

At GetLusty for Couples, we're all about being sex positive for many reasons. Most of all--when you talk about having great sex with your spouse--it ends up getting better! Well, Nadine Thornhill, our lovely "north of the border" sex educator (she's from Canada, eh), is here to first talk about and explain sex-negativity, the opposite of sex positivity. We've talked frequently about sex positive Facebook pages and YouTube channels. We've also talked more broadly on sex positivity, but let's take a look at its opposite; sex negativity. Why is it so important to stay positive? Hopefully, we will all become a lot less sex-negative after her series on these two philosophies!

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I was facilitating a session on sex-positivity last weekend, when something occurred to me: I’ve never written a post about sex-positivity. That’s a pretty big oversight on my part considering the I bandy the term around these parts with gleeful abandon.

Sex-positivity is a philosophy I saw being modeled at the Ottawa sex shop institution, Venus Envy. It was an attitude towards sex that I admired and sought to emulate. It wasn’t until did my training at PPO that I learned it was an entire social movement with its own name and everything!

Sex positivity has and continues to change my ideas about people, choice and the role sex plays in our lives. It influences everything I do as a sex educator. For me it’s a big, life-altering idea – one that’s too massive to cover in one post, so this will be the first in a series of two. I’ve named them Sex Posivity For Beginners, since I’m still near the start of the learning curve myself.

Sex positivity came about in opposition to a philsophy known as sex negativity. In my opinion sex negativity is pretty unawesome but I  need to start there, so that’s mostly what this post will be about.

What is sex negativity?

Sex negativity is based on an assumption that sex and sexual pleasure are inherently harmful, immoral and dangerous or a sacred experience that can and should be possessed. Sex negativity requires that sexual desire be largely ignored and suppressed except under specific circumstance like a marriage or for the purposes of procreation. It assumes that there are morally superior/inferior sexual orientations, gender expressions and social constructs. For example, in our society monogamous, heterosexual, and cisgender people are typically given more privilege and experience greater approval than people who are poly, queer and/or trans.

Sex-negativity also posits that there are right and wrong, or at least better or worse kinds of sex. In a sex-negative framework the where, when, why and with whom of what constitutes better vs. worse sex are meant to apply to pretty much everyone without regard for personal desires or circumstances.

Specific social sanctions around sex have relaxed over time but as a whole our society is still pretty sex-negative. Sometimes, so am I. I’ve been influenced by sex-negativity my whole life. And even though I’ve discovered this rad new sex-positive philosophy, I haven’t become some radically enlightened, different person with a different brain. I still accept and perpetuate sex negative thinking, often without realizing I’m doing it. I’ve tried to become more aware of my own sex-negative attitudes but it’s definitely an ongoing process.

Something I have noticed is the way situations involving sex are often evaluated very differently from similar situations where sex is not a factor. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Lying vs. Cheating

This happens: Reese is married. Reese enjoys shopping but isn’t always completely honest about what was bought or how much money was spent. Society says: It’s not ideal. Still, people fudge the truth about money all the time. Reese’s partner shouldn’t end the marriage over it. They should work it out.

Meanwhile (cheating)


This happens: Jordan is married. One day at an office party, Jordan flirts with a co-worker and they wind up making out. Society says: What a douche! Trust has been irrevocably broken. Jordan’s partner is totally justified in leaving this terrible marriage.

Illness vs. STIs

This happens: Sam gets the flu after sharing a big bowl of popcorn with a friend who had the flu.

Society says: We hope Sam feels better soon. The flu sucks but what can you do? Sharing food is normal. These things happen.

Meanwhile (STIs)


This happens: Alex contracts chlamydia after having sex with a friend who had chlamydia.

Society says: Alex has an sexually transmitted infection. How embarrassing! And gross! Alex is probably so ashamed but too bad. These are the risks you take when you have sex.

Straight vs. Queer

This happens: A man and a woman are sitting on a bench near a playground full of children, holding hands. They share a quick kiss on the lips.

Society says: That’s nice. If the children have questions, their parents will probably offer some simplified explanation like “those people are in love,” with age-appropriate answers to any follow-up questions. This will make everyone happy…especially the children.

Meanwhile (queer)

This happens: Two people of the same gender on a bench near a playground full of children, holding hands. They share a quick kiss.

Society says: Inappropriateness! Now the children will ask questions! Queer people are only defined by the type of sex they have, so we can’t possibly explain what just happened without opening a big Pandora’s box of sexual orientation and activity. That couple have no right to be smooching here! It’s confusing for the children! WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Bankers vs. Hookers

This happens: Pat needs money to live. Pat works as a mortgage broker at the bank. Pat has no particular love of money or financial transactions but they are good at it. Pat does not feel any strong connection to clients when processing their mortgage applications.

Society says: Pat is a responsible, productive member of society. Being paid to do math is totally respectable. Working in a bank is fine, even when you don’t love it. Pat’s gotta do what Pat’s gotta do.

Meanwhile (hookers)

This happens: Sal needs money to live. Sal works as a prostitute in a brothel. Sal does not have great passion for every client but is sexually skilled. Sal does not form strong emotional connections with clients after having sex with them.

Society says: Sal is an amoral, destructive member of society. No self-respecting person would ever accept money for sex. Having sex with someone without any significant emotional investment is soul-destroying. Sal is all scarred and damaged, yo!

Friends vs. Lovers

This happens: Jesse is very socially active and has many friends. Jesse friends are a diverse lot. Jesse enjoys playing baseball with some friends, attends a monthly book club with an entirely different group of friends and next month Jesse’s going to Florida with some pals from college. Everyone involved is aware that Jesse has lots of friends. Everyone is okay with it.

Society says: Have fun, Jesse! (Society does NOT cite the increased risk of contracting a communicable disease as reason for Jesse to have fewer friends or social interactions!)

Meanwhile (lovers)

This happens: Sidney is sexually active and has several partners. Sidney’s partners are a diverse lot. Sidney enjoys frequent sex with a cute co-worker and recently hooked up with someone at a party. Sidney also has a fuck buddy in another city and they connect a couple times a year. Everyone involved is aware that Sidney has multiple sex partners. Everyone is okay with it.

Society says: Too much sex, Sid! You’re being kind of slutty. And by slutty we mean dirty and bad. (Sid will likely get an earful about promiscuity and an increased risk of contracting an STI.)

Your personal reaction to any of these scenarios may be different from the "society says." Not every person in our society is sex negative, nor is everyone sex negative all the time. But generally speaking there is an assumption situations involving sex will be problematic, and we attribute those problems to the inherent “wrongness” of sex. And yes, sex can be risky and/or have negative consequences. But are those risks unique to sex? Are those negative outcomes because of our attitudes about sex or because of the sex itself?

Enter sex positivity!

Sex positivity defines sex as fundamentally healthy and a potentially positive human drive. It still places sanctions/boundaries on sexual activity – namely informed consent. And it also acknowledges that sex may not a positive experience for everyone or that some people choose not to participate or even have a desire for sex.

But sex positivity tends to emphasize pleasure, personal agency and individual expression as important elements of sex. Sex positivity doesn’t rank sexual activities in terms of their “rightness” or “wrongness”. It’s a lot about honoring people’s individual desires and respecting the sexual choices people make.

And there’s more. Much, much more! As I said, I’m a beginner myself. I’m only starting to get a sense of how sex-positivity challenges many of my assumptions about sexuality and how that in turn will affect my work and my life. But I am a full-on, sex-positivity fan-girl!

In the next post, I will write more specifically about what sex-positivity is and ways I’ve learned of putting the theory into practice. Stay tuned!

This was originally posted on Adorkable Undies.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy.

She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants. Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on Adorkable Undies. Find her blog on Facebook and Pinterest.

10 Ways to Be Sex Positive

On Tuesday, we brought you part 1 of Nadine Thornhill's thoughts on sex positivity. The wonderful Nadine gave us an overview of sex negativity with examples of how our society sometimes paints sex as a fundamentally yucky thing that does bad things to our bodies and souls. She explained briefly that sex positivity came about as a response to this largely pessimistic view by offering an alternative, more accepting and inclusive perspective on human sexuality.

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Now that I’ve written about what sex positivity isn’t, I can get on to telling more about what sex positivity is. Except I'm not going to tell you. I’m going to let awesome sauce sex educator Charlie Glickman tell you. The following excerpt is from a piece that was given to me in my very first sex-positive workshop and I thought it was fantastic. I’m unlikely to come up with an explanation that’s anywhere near as good, so I'm going to sit back and let you soak up the Glickman brilliance:

"As a sex educator, I need to be able to reduce this confusion in order for my message to be heard. One method I have found helpful is to compare sex and food…

Try to imagine the following world: Accurate information about food is freely available and exists for all ages in appropriate ways. Talking about what sorts of food you like and negotiating with a dinner partner is a simple and relaxed experience. Different preferences, whether personal or cultural, are important for the information they provide and are no more or less important than hair color or family history, unless people are trying to figure out what to eat together. Some people prefer to eat with the same person indefinitely, others prefer to eat in a group and still others eat with a variety of partners as the mood suits them and nobody is ever forced to eat anything or with anyone. Each person is an expert in their desires and needs around food and their choices are respected.

While there are many examples of how our world is different from this food-positive one (as anyone who becomes vegetarian in a family of meat eaters knows), it isn’t too hard to imagine this place. Now go back through the last paragraph and substitute “sex” for “food” and “have sex” for “eat.” How much more difficult is this world to imagine?"

I don’t know about you but I think this analogy is swoon-worthy awesome. Not only does it get me all het up about the exciting possibilities of a sex positive world, it also clarifies the idea that this isn’t about being "Rah! Rah! Let's all have sex all the time!" Having a more positive attitude towards sex does not mean that having sex is better than not having sex. It’s saying that similar to food, sex is just a thing. It’s part of the human experience, there are many options and that we should all be allowed to choose what will work best for ourselves in our own lives.

Why I like sex positivity

So you don’t have to have sex to be sex positive. You don’t even have to want to have sex to be sex positive. But I do. Not that I’m in a constantly state of arousal, but being a sexual person is definitely part of my identity. I’m also an extrovert and something of an exhibitionist. I like dressing in ways that show of certain parts of my body. I like doing burlesque and undressing in ways that show off almost all of my body. Sex positivity is okay with all of that. Sex positivity doesn’t restrict my sexual expression because I’m married or a mother or closing in on my forties. That makes me pretty happy.

Sex positivity means I can stop worrying about whether or not I’m normal. There is no normal in sex pos; there’s just me, my body and my life. What works for me might be different than what works for you, and it’s all sweet, cuppin’ cakes!

That also means I do have to care about whether other people are normal. Truth time: I’m a lazy woman. Trying to define a universal set of acceptable sexual practices is hard. Having to determine how closely those around me adhere to those standards is hard. Assessing people’s moral character based on their sexual behaviour is hard. I have a career to work at and a family to care for. Also, I just started watching Mad Men. Analyzing all that subtext keeps me very busy! I don’t have time to be judging everyone. Thanks to sex positivity, I don’t have to.

Sex positivity means I can talk about sex. A lot. I can freely and openly discuss it with willing friends because sex is nothing to be ashamed of! Yay!

Ten ways I am sex positive

#1 I try to do work that reflects my beliefs that sexual health and reproductive choice are basic human rights and access to comprehensive, fact-based sex education is essential to achieving both of those aims.


#2 I am big into consent. I blog about consent. I teach consent. The smut I write includes consent. The Man-of-Mans and I renegotiate consent and boundaries on an ongoing basis. Without consent, there is no sex.

#3 If I tell someone I’m married I also say explicitly that I am sexually monogamous, since one does not automatically imply the other.

#4 I try to use gender-inclusive terms like ‘partner’ or ‘parent’ or 'people’ whenever possible.

#5 Sometimes I’ll hear or read about a sexual practice that shocks the dickens out of me. I try to check myself and be aware of my own judgeyness. I also try very hard not to make disparaging comments about sexy things just because they don’t appeal to me personally.

#6 I try to be a queer-friendly and a queer-ally.

#7 I’ve stopped saying “Holy balls!” as an expression of horror. Balls are not horrifying. Now I say it when something good happens. I’ve also stopped saying “slut”, “prude” and “cocksucker” like they’re bad things.

#8 When other people talk to me about their sexuality and/or sexual experiences, I try to suppress my tendency to always be talking and listen.

#9 I let people self-identify in their gender identity and/or sexual orientation. I refer to them the way they’ve referred to themselves.

#10 I talk about sex!

Are you a fan of sex positivity as well? What are some ways that you’ve found to incorporate it into your life? What are some challenges you’ve faced? This blog is my attempt to carve out a wee little pocket of sex positivity in the world, so thanks for reading along and being part of this conversation all the others!

This was originally posted on Adorkable Undies.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy.

She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants. Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on Adorkable Undies. Find her blog on Facebook and Pinterest.