Tell Your Partner Who Else You Are Attracted To

No matter how much you may love your partner, it's only natural to still notice other people you find attractive. Whether it's an innocent glance or a full on stare, you'll still look at others and let your thoughts wander. On the other hand, if you catch your partner committing such an act, it is only natural to assume the worst instead of figuring that its simply an innocent check-out. Dr. Jenn offers her advice on how couples should handle this issue in which the answer is not deterrence, but acceptance.

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“You know, I thought that the person who waited on us at the restaurant last night was hot and I noticed I was attracted to them.”

How would you feel if your significant other said this to you? Would you feel insecure about yourself and freak out with jealousy? That is the likely response for many people.

We generally believe that it is not appropriate to talk with our current partner about how attracted we are to someone else. We learn that jealousy is the appropriate and justified response, since we have the romantic notion that our partner should never notice anyone else. If they do, our insecurities kick in, and we assume it means that we are not lovable enough, special enough, or good enough, and our partner might leave us. While this interpretation seems to be natural, it is not the only interpretation available.

It is natural to notice people you perceive as attractive, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. Pretending that it doesn’t happen does not make those thoughts go away. I think it is important to keep the doors of communication open around topics like this. Otherwise, when natural occurrences like this become shameful or judged, they can become more powerful. What we resist, persists.

I am not suggesting that you should share every libidinous thought with your partner. It could be difficult and downright overwhelming to hear continual commentary about who arouses your partner. I think that tact is important in building comfort in sharing around potentially sensitive topics. It is also important to learn that when your partner finds someone else attractive, it is not a reflection on you.

Why am I even recommending this at all? Because I believe people would be less likely to cheat if they established a foundation of openness and trust in the beginning of their relationship by sharing such topics. When we admit that we feel attraction to others, share this with our partner, and then choose to remain committed in our partnership, it creates a bond of trust and honesty that can bring couples emotionally closer in the long run.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

3 Ways to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

As we've seen, communicating about sex (think: sexual gratitude, integrating communication into sex or sexual negotiation 101) can really enhance your experience. We all have it. Now how about talking about it? Our favorite sex sexologists and relationship conseling couple, the 'Love Birds' Chuck and Jo Ann, are back talking about--talking about sex!

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In our culture, sex is something we think about often but rarely actually talk about. According to a recent Ohio State University study, men think about sex about 18 times each day, while women think about sex 10 times a day. What the study didn’t indicate, however, was how many times couples — who between them think about sex 28 times every day — actually talk about sex with each other.

Our culture uses sex to sell cars, beer, snack foods and even household cleaners, when sex should actually be used to bring our relationships closer and heighten our intimacy and enjoyment of our relationships. No, really. Don’t believe me? Watch a romantic comedy film. Any romantic comedy. Here’s what you’ll see:

Boy meets girl (usually Jennifer Aniston). Boy gets girl. Boy has massive misunderstanding with girl because they communicate like they’re talking on cell phones with spotty signals. Boy’s deadbeat, drunken, loser best friend concocts stupid plan to reunite boy with girl. All hell breaks loose. Boy gets girl despite various stupid human tricks because — wait for it — he talks to her honestly. The end.

So, let’s get over it and look at some ideas on what we all need to do in order to talk openly with our partners about sex:

#1 Expand your vocabulary

Words are a really key part of communication. The problem is that there are some words used in discussions about sex that aren’t really good “out-loud” words, and many of us never learned how to use them properly outside of when we yell at drivers who cut us off on the highway. If you’re going to really talk about what you want, you need to use all the words that both you and your partner understand. Pointing and gesturing isn’t enough.

#2 Don't traumatize your partner

Many times when people aren’t getting what they want out of sex, they focus on the things they don’t like about their partner’s style or actions. That’s never a good place to start. Instead, begin with the things you like, and accentuate the positive. “I like it when you do this. I’d like it if you did that more, and maybe you could add doing that and the other thing, too.” It’s better to gently guide your partner, instead of making demands. Laying in bed with your partner as they make love to you while flipping through the cable channels and mumbling, “No, a little to the left. No.. not there yet. Softer? No teeth! I’m not a chew toy. I wonder who’s on Leno tonight?!” is probably not going to get you what you want, and it may leave your partner traumatized. Work from the things they do right and you’ll be able to eliminate the things they don’t do right with a lot more ease and without hurting their feelings.

#3 Set the mood

When you want to talk about sex, don’t do it as you’re cooking dinner, with the kids chasing the dog around the house. Use your quiet, private time together for that conversation. Kill the lights, light some candles, and make sure you do it early enough that neither of you are too tired from the day to talk and then try out some of the things you’ve talked about. You’ll get much better results that way.

Talking about sex is not the easiest thing to do, but remember you can change things, if you’re willing to make the extra effort.

Sincerely,
Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

5 Reasons Couples Seek Sex Therapy

At GetLusty for Couples, we understand the importance of therapy. Whether you're using it individually or as a couple, therapy (including sex therapy) can improve your relationship by leaps and bounds. We know--we've used therapy. Why might you use sex therapy? Our favorite LA Sex Therapist, Moushumi Ghose, is here to answer just that.

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Sex therapy is a specialized form of psychotherapy and often times a very core and central part of couples therapy. Sex is intrinsically woven into our relationships so it only makes sense that it couples, or individuals within intimate relationships are highly likely to seek out sex therapy to address their relationship, love and intimacy concerns. Sex therapy is a great arena for couples to develop an intimate language that works for them that also allows for growth.

Unfortunately, too often couples seek out sex therapy once there is already a big problem. The reason the couple is seeking therapy is generally because there is some unbalance, a discrepancy in what either partner wants and the two individuals are having a hard time coming to and agreeing on a middle ground. Since differences are a normal occurrence in relationships, acceptance, understanding and communication are other common threads, which are addressed in couples therapy to help bridge the gap.

There is also quite often blame in this imbalance, a tendency to point the finger and make one person the “bad guy” or the fault holder of the relationship. There are a few common things I see in my office, why couples seek out sex therapy.

One of the goals of sex therapy is to undo the finger pointing, recognize there is no “normal” or “expected” outcome for the way either partner “should” or “should not” be when it comes to sexuality.

Here are 5 common issues I see and how sex therapy may be beneficial in treating these issues.

#1 My wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner wants sex more (or less) than I do.

The disparaging sexual desire levels is probably the single most biggest reason couples come in for sex therapy. Sex therapy can help the couple to remember or recognize there is no “normal” amount couples are supposed to have sex. Couples can also become aware of, comfortable with their sexuality, what turns them off, what turns them off, developing a language in which to communicate sexually with each other. Another important facet sex therapy can help with is to uncover any issues, which may be preventing either partner from being sexually open with their partner, or breaking down the relationship resulting in lack of sex, such as lack of trust, anger, depression, body image, stress, and so forth. Communication on how to negotiate a common ground is also a big focus.

#2 I just don't get turned on by my partner anymore. I can no longer orgasm. I just don't feel very sexual.

The theme here is the loss of desire towards a long-term partner. Sex therapy can help couples to recognize their own sexuality levels, that arousal ebbs and flows, particularly in long-term relationships. Sex therapy can help couples connect in new ways, when old ways have lost their excitement.

#3 My partner is a swinger, is polyamorous, wants an open relationship, or a three some and I don't know how I feel about this.

Dissonance between lifestyle choices, needs and desires is a very common reason for people to enter into my office. Sex therapy can help couples address misconceptions or ideas they have about lifestyles. Couples can begin to understand what is comfortable from them and learn to negotiate a common ground.

#4 I fantasize about [insert personal fetish here: men, women, being raped, large cocks] and cannot share this with my partner.

Shame is a big part of what couples can work through in sex therapy. Sex therapy is a great place to get a corrective emotional experience towards our fetishes, our fantasies, desires, and develop a language to express our sexual desires. Sex therapy can help with learning to accept often more taboo subjects such as masturbation as well.

#5 My partner spends too much time watching porn.

This is becoming more and more common in sex therapy. Sex therapy can help couples understand if a certain behavior is within normal practice, as much of porn watching can be or if it is something that might be more compulsive or obsessive in the case of a porn addiction. Addiction is highly subjective as well, so helping the couples decide what is acceptable and what is not acceptable are key points they can address in sex therapy.

All in all, there are a gamut of reasons couples may want to enter into sex therapy. I highly encourage couples to enter into sex therapy as a form of premarital counseling as well. One doesn’t need to have a specific issue in order to develop effective ways of discussing the more intimate aspects of your relationship. After all, sex and relationships is not something that necessarily comes with a handbook, so why not get the tools ahead of time, before it’s too late?

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Moushumi also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @MoushumiAmour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Questions for Moushumi or another professional across our network? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

What is Intimacy, Anyway?

Intimacy is many times thought of as something purely sexual. However, the biggest sexual organ is the brain. So what is intimacy, really? And often, women can't come they aren't engaging their biggest sex organ--their brain. Why is intimacy important to relationships? What is intimacy, anyway? This post answers these two questions. What is intimacy? And why is it important in your romantic relationship? Our Chief Lust Officer, Erica Grigg reports.

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What is intimacy?

At its core, this blog defines intimacy as a loving relationship between two (or more) individuals. While we won't talk too frequently about polyamorous intimacy, many of the same issues arise (esp. trust, happiness and overall emotional health). For me, intimacy is about a romantic love that centers around the need for a human connection. For GetLusty for Couples, we categorize into four sections (based on the Wikipedia example below).

From Dictionary.com, the definition of intimacy goes like this:

1. A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
2. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
3. An act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

Wikipedia has a slightly varied definition of intimacy. They cover many different areas, but to sum it up, they cover the four major areas of intimacy below.

Scholars have defined generally four kinds of intimacy:

• Emotional
• Physical (sex)
• Cognitive/intellectual (sharing thoughts and ideas, enjoy similarities and differences)
• Experiential (sharing similar activities, likely without talking)

Where did the definition come from?

Again from the Wikipedia article above. In anthropological research, intimacy is considered the product of a successful seduction, a process of rapport building that enables parties to confidently disclose previously hidden thoughts and feelings. Intimate conversations become the basis for "confidences" (secret knowledge) that bind people together.

We hope you'll consider why intimacy is such an essential component of love and romance in your life. GetLusty for Couples hopes to inspire and educate on how to have more intimacy, love and overall a better relationship!

This is post by Erica Grigg, our Founder and Chief Lust Officer. She's a writer, marketer, social entrepreneur and sex geek. She wants to end boring sex. If you don't see Erica riding around downtown, Chicago in her beach cruiser or at a diner with her adoring husband, you see her chatting up the tech community about the importance of sex and love in marriage. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericagrigg or subscribe via Facebook and Google+.

Want to connect about business partnership with a woman-run business that cares? E-mail me directly at erica@getlusty.com.

Why Does Sex Stop After Marriage?

Sex should never stop after getting into a long-term relationship or marriage. Sex is natural and healthy and needs to be consistent. We have already discussed scheduling sex and making time for romance. But why do some couples let sex take a back seat in their relationship? How did they (or we, sometimes) get this far? After several weeks, then months, has sex completely stopped? Sexologist and marriage counselor, Dawn Michael MFT is here to shed some light on the topic.

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Sexless marriage is on the rise. And with 50% of all marriages end in divorce, there may be a trend here. With remaining couples that do hang on, more than half of them live in sexless marriages. What is a sexless marriage?

What is it?

A sexless marriage can be defined as a marriage where the couples have little to no sex every month, or several months. This is not due to an illness or sudden event but a natural rhythm that happens over time in a marriage. There are a few main causes for sexless marriages and it can happen gradually overtime.

Causes?

Men and women both can have equal sex drives, but at different times of the day and the month. Men and women also approach sex differently with how they may want it or what the sex in the marriage means to them. When looking at sex in a marriage it is more than the act of intercourse, it is the act of sexual intimacy, two people sharing a special bond. Sexual intimacy is a feeling that goes along with sex and when the couple is sexually satisfied with each other they will also feel sexual intimacy. In a woman’s monthly cycle she will go through times when she is more sexually attracted to her mate, this is when a woman should approach her husband and initiate sex. Part of the problem for many couples is that men are the ones expected to initiate the sex, but it should be equal. When a person feels sexual towards their spouse they should initiate the sex, or let their spouse know that they would like to be sexually intimate with them.

Change it up

For men the level of testosterone is at its peak in the morning and then decreases in the evening. The typical scenario of sex at night may actually be better in the morning for some men. This is where couples often make a mistake in love making; sometimes morning sex is the best sex. Especially after a long day for both a man and women the evening may be a time of sleep, but recharged in morning may be the perfect time for a sexual encounter.

One of the top reasons for sexless marriage is the concept that once married, sex is a given and this is a sad mistake. The sex in marriage takes work. Not in a hard way but fun, thoughtful, sexy, and erotic way. Couples need to work on making sex fun; a priority in the marriage. The couples that have a great sexual relationship will have less to argue about and the little things usually will melt away. If you are in a sexless marriage get help. Sex is natural, normal and healthy!

Check out Dawn's original post (cross-posted with permission) at The Happy Spouse.

A note from our editor: Soon, GetLusty for Couples will be featuring sex therapists, psychologists and counselors starting in Chicago. I know the difficulty of recovering from sexual trauma and difficulty. After numerous counseling sessions, my sex and emotional life improved greatly. That's why GetLusty is committed to recommending the best counselors for those of you who need help to get it. Thanks, Erica

This is a post by Dawn Michael MFT.

Dawn is an International Certified Clinical Sexologist and Marriage Counselor specializing in helping individuals and couples to have a healthy sex life, through communication, solution based counseling and home assignments. Visit her website The Happy Spouse for more information or to get in touch with Dawn. Also find her on Twitter @SexConseling.

3 Must See Erotic Books

Besides Naked Girls Reading (check out this lusty lady reader above), there are few other things that are as sexy as reading erotic novels, stories and books. Our adorkable writer, Nadine Thornhill is all about picture books these days. But not just any coffee table books, erotic ones! Here is a guest post by Nadine, also cross-posted to her lovely her blog, Adorkable Undies!

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My friends at GetLusty wanted to know about some of my favorite sexy books. The answer to that question is more challenging than it seems. When it comes to choosing smutty reads, my top picks change according to my mood, my libido and what’s going on in my life at the time.

Lately I’ve been spending most of my days studying, scriptwriting and blogging. As much I enjoy the work (except maybe the studying), I find I need a bit of a break from words once downtime rolls around. That’s probably why I’ve been drawn to some of the more graphic volumes on my bookshelf these days. Books full of sexy pictures boost my mojo, while giving my eyeballs a much needed break from constant left to right scanning.

These three books all contain wonderful bits of text, but it’s the pretty, pretty pictures that have put these titles at the top of my list:

Ars Erotica: An Arousing History Of Erotic Art
by Edward Lucie-Smith

I acquired this book quite by accident when I was producing a play for The Ottawa Fringe Festival. The story took place in a fictional sex shop and a cast mate brought it in to help dress our set. After the run was over, I inherited the book and it’s lived on my bookshelf ever since.

Ars Erotica documents various depictions of human sexuality throughout time and across cultures. Each chapter focuses on a different theme; ranging from sex and spirituality, to outdoor sex and erotic pain.

 It’s a full color volume, brimming with spectacular works of art. History buffs will certainly enjoy reading about the historical significance of erotica through the ages. As for me, I’m all about oogling page after page of sculpture, paintings and photographs!

Do It Yourself
by Uwe Ommer

Do It Yourself is a big, beautiful coffee table book full of big, beautiful photographs. Ommer is a big deal photographer in Europe having had exhibits in some of France’s best known galleries.

According to the preface, he and his partner came home one night to find their child asleep and the babysitter snapping Polarids of herself in the bathroom mirror, wearing nothing but Ommer’s high heels.

What you or I might call a supremely awkward moment, Ommer saw as inspiration. He equiped a group of inexperienced photographers with a camera, a set of basic instructions and set them loose to do their own erotic self portraits.

The results range from sultry to playful to downright goofy. It’s a hella fun book to flip through and one that turns me on every time I look at it. The last third of the book is a kind of postcard diary/photo essay of the inspirational babysitter. Based on her writing, the woman strikes me as kind of a wackadoo, but in a fun way that might involve wearing wigs and eating cupcakes while watching America’s Next Top Model nude.

Small Favors: A Girly Porno Comic
by Colleen Coover

Small Favours is actually several girly porno comics – a series of eight graphic novels – and they are absolutely delightful!

The protagonist Annie has a near insatiable sex drive. She just can’t stop masturbating! Her conscience appears in the form of an uptight queen to reprimand her.

Since Annie can’t be trusted to keep her hands out of her pants, she’s saddled with a six-inch, blonde-haired guardian named Nibbl. There’s just one small problem…Nibbl is even more of a horn-dog than Annie! Annie and Nibbl quickly fall in lust, in love and spend the rest of the series having the dirty, silly, wonderful sex in almost every panel.

I adore this series. It’s sex-positive, optimistic and cute as hell. For reals, I can’t think of any other book that makes me want to go “Awwww,” and touch myself at the same time.

How about you? Do you have any erotic favorites on your bookshelf? Feel free to share!

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy. 

She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants. Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on Adorkable Undies. Find her blog on Facebook and Pinterest. 

10 Must Read Books on Marriage

Marriage can be an intensely amazing but complicated experience and sometimes you need help and advice to guide you. We have already given you lists for things like best blow jobs and cunnilingus books to help you with your lusty sex life. Now we feel like it's about time for a list of books on marriage. The folks at GetLusty are confident that this list of 10 books will help you get through many of the speed bumps that may arise in your marriage!

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#1 The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Northfield Publishing, 2009
Author: Gary D Chapman

New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. 

Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction. A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can build a lasting, loving marriage together.

#2 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
Three Rivers Press, 2000
Author: John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

Another book by the best-selling author John M. Gottman, Ph.D, the Seven Principles is packed with practical questionnaires and exercises. He's written extensively on the topic and has interviewed hundreds--if not thousands of couples. He knows marriage! The Seven Principals is a definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage.

#3 Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Little, Brown and Company, 2008
Author: Sue Johnson

"In Hold me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson presents Emotionally Focused Therapy to the general public for the first time. Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond." (From the Amazon book description"

"Wonderful! Hold Me Tight blends the best in research findings with practical suggestions from a caring and compassionate clinician. This fabulous book will be of great benefit...to couples trying to find their way to better communication and deeper, more fulfilling ways of being with each other." (Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., author of "Parenting from the Inside Out")


#4 The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband
Scribner, 2012
Author: David Finch

"The warm and hilarious bestselling memoir by a man diagnosed with Asperger syndrome who sets out to save his marriage."

"In his deep desire to be a good husband, a better father, a decent human being who connects with and care for others, Finch tells a universal tale, a fulfilling and even inspiring story of the difference that love – genuinely giving love - can make in our daily lives.” (Deborah Blum, author of "The Poisoner’s Handbook")

#5 His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
Revell, 2001
Author: Willard F. Jr. Harley

In the classic bestseller His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses.

He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.

#6 Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
 Free Press, 2004
Author: Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

According to Dr. Shirley Glass, "the godmother of infidelity" (The New York Times), people today are cheating on their spouses more than ever before-especially in the workplace.

Dispelling common myths with compelling new research and case studies, "Not 'Just Friends'" is a groundbreaking chronicle of what occurs before, during, and after an affair: the danger signs, the vulnerabilities of even good marriages, and the step-by-step road to healing and protecting monogamy in the aftermath.

#7 Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry
Zondervan, 1995
Author: Lesle Parrott III

Are you tired of marriage books that sound like they were written thirty years ago? Do you want real, honest advice from a couple who knows the hopes and struggles of today's couples? Do you want to build a marriage that will last a lifetime? 

Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, created by relationship experts Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, is a comprehensive marriage program designed specifically for today's couples by a couple. And now, in this updated edition, the Parrotts' award-winning approach has been expanded to incorporate ten more years of feedback, research, and professional experience.

#8 Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
Owl Books, 1998
Author: David Schnarch

Passionate Marriage' is recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. With a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. David Schnarch accompanies his inspirational message of attaining long-term happiness with proven techniques developed in worldwide workshops to help couples develop greater intimacy. 

Chapters provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional roadblocks— from evaluating personal expectations to laying the groundwork for keeping the sparks alive years down the road, and everything in between. This book is sure to help couples overcome hurdles in their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.

#9 The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
Three Rivers Press, 2002
Author: John Gottman

"The Relationship Cure is another in John Gottman's superb series of books on  improving intimate relationships. What distinguishes Gottman's writing from that of other self-help books is that it is based on research findings from his extensive studies he has decoded the mystery of relationships.

"When he says his five steps will help you build better connections with the people you care about, you know that they have been demonstrated to work." (E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., professor of psychology, University of Virginia)

#10 Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
Plume, 1997
Author: Mira Kirshenbaum

A careful line of 36 questions and self-analysis techniques designed to get to the heart of relationship and marriage problems. This straightforward and practical advice is designed for newer and older relationships, and presents a plethora of information and experience in a clear, concise manner.

Andrew Ewald is a GetLusty writer who spends most of his time reading, writing, cooking, and watching RuPaul's Drag Race with his girlfriend. He graduated from Western Michigan University with a Bachelor's in in English. He might act like a square, but nothing is taboo with this character. Connect with him! E-mail him at andrew@getlusty.com.

28 Surprising Benefits of Being a Loving Couple

Do you realize how wonderful it is to have a loving spouse? Being in an amazing sexual relationship is beautiful and can be very beneficial for your overall health and even finances. Even when things get difficult, being close to someone is one of the best things life has to offer. Of course we get bored and forget how lucky we are to be close to someone. That's OK! At GetLusty, we've put together a list of just some of the benefits of being part of an awesome couple.

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#1 Waking up next to each other. Loneliness might be the most despairing aspect of being single. Opening your eyes after a long nights sleep and seeing the beautiful face of the one you love is a wonderful thing.

#2 Always having someone to see a movie with. Not to say that convenience is a benefit, but if you've found the right one, then you have a best friend who is there to share all your cinematic adventures with.

#3 Seeing the smile on your partners face when you bring them breakfast in bed. From childhood we humans have this obsessive urge to please the ones we love. We behaved this way with our parents, aunts, and grandparents. Now that we're all grown up, we want to carry this convention forward with our relationships. It gives us a sense of accomplishment, and reminds us of how loved we are.

#4 Loving the sound of your partner's annoying laugh. Being ridiculously and insanely smitten with someone is one the most exciting occurrences one will ever experience. To be so infatuated that every little annoying habit becomes a spine-tingling, hair-raising event.

#5 Being able to test your robot dance out on a captive audience. Many of us have a hard time being ourselves out in public. Some of us even dread the idea of co-worker or family member seeing how we act at home, when we're all alone. When you have that special someone in your life, you have a person who loves every silly, bizarre thing you do, and you'll love performing for them.

#6 Having someone to hold onto while you watch "The Exorcist" for the fourth time. It's not just a benefit for the ladies. No matter what your man tells you, he gets scared too, and having someone there provides a huge sense of safety. Having someone who makes you feel safe carries over to larger issues in life - not just spooky movies.

#7 Taking showers together. With your partner there for every aspect of your life, those once ordinary day-to-day tasks suddenly become potential erotic adventures.

#8 Attending your favorite sporting event together. Many singles stubbornly think that sporting events are just for the guys, but a victory make-out session is much more exciting than a few high-fives with your pals. Another benefit is the amount of adrenalin that's built up during a game. Adrenalin always makes for great sex after the match.

#9 Knowing that you have someone to depend on. Your partner is more than just bed mate, they're your companion - someone to experience this life with. Life gets hard, and complicated, and can even seem unbearable at times. The great thing about a couple is, when you fall, there is always someone there to pick you up.

#10 Feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries. Everyone loves being pampered. Whether it's sharing fruit, or a massage. You'll always have someone there to spoil you.

#11 No more depressing masturbation! We know, there will always be masturbation, no matter how often you and your partner have sex. After discovering that intense connection we call love with someone, the sexual experience ascends to something greater than just satisfying that itch in your pants.

#12 Taking vacations together. The majority of us are not loners. Deep down in our core, we crave friendship and community. When it comes to traveling, most of us are intimidated by the thought of going at it alone, so having that loved one next to you seems to arouse the explorer in us.

#13 Perpetual encouragement. Even the best of us lose a little self-esteem from time to time. It's an amazing thing to always have someone there to help rebuild your fortitude.

#14 All-night Netflix marathons. One of the most adventurous things we did in our childhood was staying up all night with our best friends, watching movies and playing games. After we all grew up, that didn't seem to happen anymore. Your friends have lives of their own now and don't seem too excited about having a slumber party with you. Well, that's what your partner is for. He or she is your new best friend, and they'll always be there to help you build that fort in the living room.

#15 Your ass will always look great in that outfit. As we've noted before, confidence is a huge issue with us humans. We are constantly worried about how others see us, and we're even a little superficial at times. Your girlfriend or boyfriend always wants to be the hottest person you know, and you always will be, because you really are the hottest person in the world to them. 

#16 The glorious majesty of oral sex. Sure, you can get a blowjob during a one-night stand, but will it be the greatest blowjob you ever receive? Probably not. Having that one person, night after night, day after day, to explore and experiment with - that's how you master the art of oral sex. Cunnilingus takes some practice, and is a different experience with every woman. Nobody knows how to blow their woman's mind on the first try. It takes time. A couple has the benefit of discovering that perfect orgasm.

#17 Relaxing in the tub together. Everyone loves a bubble bath! Having someone's slippery, naked body rubbing against yours turns that tranquil time in the tub into a romantic, and erotic engagement.



#18 Holding hands (duh!). Intimacy is incredibly fulfilling, whether it's spooning in bed, or just walking down the street, hand-in-hand. Maybe we get it from childhood, the safety and comfort of having someone hold your hand while crossing the street or wandering through a busy public space. What ever the reason, we all love doing it. 

#19 Having a road-trip partner. Before you found the love of your life, you had to ask around to find a friend who would take a trip with you. Sometimes that can be hard. Sometimes nobody wants to be stuck in a car with you for several hours at a time. A couple never has this issue. You're already spending every day together, so it might as well be spent in a car. There's not much better than exploring the open road with someone who laughs at all your bad jokes. 

#20 Having someone to split a Twix with. We're not saying you should be in a relationship just so you don't waste food, but the sharing aspect is very important. You're sharing food, experiences, thoughts - everything you love, everything you hate. You can think of it as "becoming one" with each other, or you could also see it as one person becoming twice as awesome. 

#21 Experimental cooking. Single folks usually fall into their own routine, and they stick with it until someone comes along and introduces them to something new. For the stereotypical male, it's pizza, hot wings, and anything that's easy to cook. When you find yourself in a couple, you discover this urge to try new things. You've merged your lifestyle with someone else's, and that tends to shake things up a bit. You'll both want to find ways to change those old habits of yours.

#22 Getting texts during your work day that make you feel better. You're not alone in this world. The crappy day at work doesn't have to seed into your mind when you have someone on your team, routing for you. He or she isn't just the person you hook up with at home every night, they're personal pep rally. By the end of  your shift, if won't matter how much your boss yelled at you - not when you know you're in love, and are loved in return.

#23 Having someone who makes sure you don't get too drunk. Sometimes your judgement can waver a bit, and you might need a little assistance. It's nice to have someone looking out for you - someone you will thanking in the morning.

#24 Having someone who will listen to you complain about your parents. After a while you'll notice that some of your friends don't make the best listeners, and your siblings can be a little critical, especially if you're the younger one. A couple always has someone to hear their problems, without judgement.

#25 Negotiating foot massages and back rubs. Single people need to pay people for this kind of thing. Other than the financial benefit, it can be really fun bartering for things with loving displays of affection.

#26 Realizing that even when you fight, you still love each other. You'll notice that singles don't fight. They can always just walk away from an argument, but not couples. They love and care for one another. The argument is important.

#27  Getting to experiment with pubic hair lengths. OK, this sounds a little weird, and maybe even a little gross, but think about it. There are places on your body you would never allow a lover to explore. Be in a couple for a certain amount of time and see how absurdly comfortable you become around your partner. You'll start peeing in front of each other, picking your nose in front of them, and yes, playing with their pubic hair.

#28 Knowing how lucky you are. This might not sound like an extremely important benefit right away, but try to remember the last time you felt this way. Happy couples are so damn happy because of little things like this. You'll see them around sometimes, walking tall, a modest smile on their face.

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. You can email him at jason@getlusty.com, or try his Facebook page.

20 Fun-Filled Fall Date Ideas for Couples

Autumn is one of the most romantic seasons: the temperature is perfect for cuddling but still nice enough to leave the house. Brittany Meyer provides a list of our top autumn dates! Some are clothing optional!

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Without ado, here are 24 fall date ideas - some clothed, some not!

#1 Visit a pumpkin patch

Leave the kids at the babysitter! We're talking about a relaxing day between the two of you! There are a whole host of Pumpkin Patches across Chicago. Then, there are even more Pumpkin Patches near Chicago! Really want to bring the kids? Several are more geared towards children, so do a bit of research before you come without your panties on.

#2 Pumpkin carving

So you just arrived home after a visit to the Pumpkin Patch. Now what? After your pumpkin patch visit, bring them home and decide what carving designs you can do together. There are numerous Halloween options, or there are also options for Thanksgiving, too! It might seem a bit cheesy, but it's going to be a fun activity you can work on together.

#3 Get cooking

Don't throw your extra Pumpkin away! Using an additional pumpkin, (or the insides of the carved pumpkins) cook seeds, make Pumpkin salsa, Pumpkin fritters, Pumpkin pie. You can make just about anything with a raw or cooked Pumpkin. Fall is the time to enjoy Pumpkin in all kinds of dishes. Check out more recipe ideas for Pumpkin!

Squash, apples, cranberries, pomegranates and kale are all in season in the fall, so take advantage of their abundance and deliciousness!


 Fall recipes are back, utilizing seasonal foods for you to whip up in a hurry or simmering over an entire day. Get some ideas for new hot dinner and lunches. Coming back from a cold day out is made better by a fall soup to heat you up.

#4 Apple picking

It's that time again. Apple picking is in order! We've talked about it before. You two should get out there and pick some crisp, juicy apples! Find a Chicago orchard and pick apples for cider, baking, or dip! Check out some apple recipes from the Food Network! Can you say, Yummy!?

#5 Walks in parks

The leaves are changing colors, the weather is refreshing and sunny. Nothing says fall like the colors. Enjoy the sights and smells on a leisurely walk through your neighborhood park.

#6 Get outta' town

There are so many beautiful areas across the country. Just outside your city are a host of quaint little towns. Haven't seen the foliage outside of your city? You might be amazed by a natural setting outside of your home town. Visiting National Park isn't just for the summer. Enjoy a leisure drive in a rural setting on the way there.

Sometimes going somewhere new can be exhilarating. Find a cute restaurant or coffee shop with some sort of specialty and give it a try!

#7 Look for local fall parades and farmers' markets

Farmers' Markets are a wonderful way to connect with seasonal, local, and organic ingredients grown near your own back yard. For our fellow Chicagoans, check out the schedule for Chicago Farmers' Markets. You probably have a budding farmers' market system in your city that you never knew about!

#8 Dress in warm clothing, turn the heat down, and have a picnic indoors

For those not interested in leaving or wanting a more intricate picnic menu, stay indoors. Put the couch pillows on the floor with a blanket over them, open the windows, dress warm and enjoy the easy access to your bedroom.



#9 Paint

When was the last time you both created something together? How about painting a new room? Or how about painting a design on your wall? When you create new things together, you'll use team work to make your furnishings a little brighter. Go on. It'll be fun!

#10 Try a cinnamon scented moisturizer or soap to inspire sweet smells and touches 

Does your apartment smell like dirty socks? It happens. How about smelling like Cinnamon sticks instead? Getting a little something new to change up your scent is surprisingly noticeable. You're used to a certain smell. Switching this up can make a big difference. You can also go for a different cologne or perfume--that'll make a big difference, too! Just check-in with your partner to make sure they like it.

#11 Go on a picnic

It isn't winter yet so take this opportunity to venture outdoors! This would be a great time to bring all your wonderful fall recipes to one nice experience. Take a look at some perfect picnic meals here. Go here for a more vegetarian picnic.

#12 Have Fall-themed potluck with other happy couples

Enjoying your time with other happy couples can make you realize the beauty of being married/coupled. Others are in love and that sparks your own interest. How about a potluck? Invite several other couples you know to a Fall-themed potluck!


#13 Watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’

The orgasm scene? When they met? How the story plays out? It gets me teary every time I think about it. Come now, gents. When was the last time you watched a romantic movie together? Bring on the popcorn, this one is going to be cute! When Harry Met Sally is the perfect fall romance movie.

#14 Think of Halloween costumes you would only wear for each other

Of course GetLusty has ideas for sexy Halloween costumes! Are you a thrift shopper? Maybe you love retail? Fall is the ideal time to get some sexy, crazy outfits. Costume shopping can be even more fun when you are buying something that's for your partner's eyes only.

#15 Work out together

At GetLusty for Couples, we believe health is one of the key pillars of an amazing sexual relationship. Exercise can be a wonderful activity to do together. You're both feeling fit, active, and happy. Of course we have workout ideas.

Top 9 Naked November Dates

#16 Naked board game night

Twister, anyone? Pick out your favorite game and make them a little more risqué. Make the stakes higher. For whoever wins, the sexy reward could involve cunnilingus, nipple play, or anything else sexy. Ever consider sexy monopoly? Oh, yeah.

#17 Watch a romantic movie

No clothes. No problem. Cuddle and revel in the adorable plots of a Fall-centered romantic comedy -- even if they're from 2004. "Last of the Mohicans"? OK, so it's a little bit of a tear-jerker. But cuddling naked could also lead to other fun times. 

#18 Play out the scene to a movie

There is nothing quite like holding onto your partner while playing out a scene from The Lord of the Rings! Is there a scene from a movie that you both know so well, you re-live it in your heads? Now how about naked? Being nude just makes everything more fun!

#19 Dance party!

Dance parties aren't just for Jersey Shore. This isn't the time to lower your heat. Get your own indoor dance party. Naked! You might even break a sweat. How about a quick shower after that dance party? Who hates showers with your lover? Thought so.


#20 Add something to your bed

Get a new set of sheets. This will make your abode feel even warmer and make it even harder to leave. Take Sunday morning cuddles to the next level with satin sheets. Don't tell me that won't feel luxurious and wonderful when you're naked!

#21 Enjoy morning coffee together

Wake up earlier, cuddle, drink coffee and have some sort of pastry, if possible. Coffee in the nude is so much fun! You could also pick up a variety of creamers (Pumpkin spice? Eggnog latte?) and enjoy a little cream! Be sure to let your coffee cool down first. We don't want anyone getting burned.

#22 Write a story together

Not just a story. Something creative. Do either of you paint? Write? Draw? Sit down together and share your passions. If you prefer to not be physically involved with another medium, read something you enjoy and lay together. Being creative while naked can take things to a different level.

#23 Bath time

When it's extra chilly, give your body some love with a bath or shower. Get clean, whip away the negative emotions from your body, and talk positively. How beautiful you are! How wonderful your partner is!

#24 Have a cider date

Want to have a sweet and alcoholic date? Try different types of cider! Get several different flavors and brands to find out your favorite. They go very well with fall foods as well.

Enjoy being together and enjoy Fall!

Brittany just moved to Chicago after finishing her degree from FSU and arrived with a thirst to learn about everything that has to do with sex. Having been involved with The F-Word, The Vagina Monologues, amateur drag and a Human Sexuality course she is a very sex positive lady. When she's not admiring architecture or looking for a design job, Brittany does stand-up comedy and thinks of ways to make people on the CTA feel uncomfortable. She also eats high-fives for breakfast. Follow her on twitter @sedanimal. E-mail her directly at brittany@getlusty.com.