Tomorrow! Networking for Kinky People

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Feel Better About BDSM

There is often a great deal of confusion surrounding BDSM. People have desires and fantasies they want to act out, but feel guilty or uncomfortable with the idea. It can turn into a difficult situation to approach with your partner. With BDSM, the distinctions between excitement and discomfort often become blurred. Without guidance, confusion and miscommunication can lead to frustration. Luckily, Good Men Project is here to advice! Sex advice gurus Eli and Josie received a reader question along the same lines. They answered with help from Noah Brand on how this man should address his conflicted feelings towards fulfilling his girlfriend's S&M fantasies.

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Dear Sexes: My girlfriend just recently told me that she’s into S&M and she knows that I had a master/slave relationship in the past. What she doesn’t know is that it’s not sexual to me. It pulls up a very ugly and repressed emotion/mentality. I want to do whatever I can to fulfill her fantasies, but I’m pretty uncomfortable with mentally accessing that part of me far enough for ME to enjoy it. Is this a common feeling? How safe is it for me to try this out? And when can I call it quits, having done my duty?

She Said: First and foremost, the way you just phrased that to us is probably the perfect way to explain your feelings to your girlfriend. There’s a chance that she may just want to explore the S&M side of herself, and isn’t even sure if it’s going to be something she needs, in which case you’d be off the hook.

There’s also the chance that she thinks that somewhere deep inside, because of your former relationship, that you need some element of BDSM to be fulfilled. To me, this is a case of you two just needing to have an open-hearted conversation.

However, we wanted to reach out to our friend, Noah Brand from The Good Men Project and No Seriously What About The Menz, who knows more about less-mainstream sexuality than we do, in order to get you a more knowledgeable response. Hopefully between the three of us, we can help!

He Said: I know this question is about S&M, but forget about that aspect for a moment. Your girlfriend wants to try something romantically/sexually that you’ve tried in the past, aren’t particularly into now, and sort of object to personally. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, and you should not force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Additionally, your girlfriend would (most likely) not want you do anything that compromised your values, or even personal tastes.

On the other hand, you’re in a relationship, so compromise (often) and communication (always) are required. Sit down with your girlfriend and discuss your fears, goals, and ideas about this scenario. Make sure you get your thoughts out, and do your best to listen carefully. The two of you may have more common ground than you think. And the more open you are with each other, the better chance you give each other to succeed.

Now, a few words from our guest expert. Noah - take it away.

Noah Said: It’s hard to give specific advice without knowing specific details, but if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that you’re worried about being an abusive top. (You are the top in these scenarios?) Rather than just being a fun kinky thrill for you, you’re worried that this kind of power play taps into a darker and more dangerous part of your psyche. If that’s not actually your problem, please write in again and explain more and we’ll tackle the question again.

To answer your question - that’s not all that uncommon. Most conscious and responsible tops feel some level of tension between the enjoyment of power and the fear of abusing it. Sounds like in your case that tension’s a bit higher than most, but that’s not necessarily an insurmountable problem. The solution is the solution to literally almost all kink problems: communication, limits, and boundaries.

First and foremost, talk openly with your girlfriend about her specific fantasies and your own feelings. Do the things she wants even overlap with the things you fear doing? Did you just start to answer that question without asking her first? You say she doesn’t know about your repressed emotions? I say she probably should. Talk about these things very specifically and very honestly, with minimal “Oh, you know what I mean” or “I guess just anything” or phrases like that. The kink worksheet created by the great Cliff Pervocracy is a good starting point.

From there, you need to set clear limits and boundaries, and you must be clear that you are BOTH allowed to set those. You have every much a right to say “I’m not comfortable doing that to you” as she does to say “I’m not comfortable having that done to me.” It will help if you can do some trust exercises: the trust needs to go both ways. You need to know that she can use a safeword if she has to, that she can look out for her own safety and well-being, and she needs to know that you will respect her safeword - that you won’t go too far.

What I’m saying is that you may be wrong about not being able to explore this side of yourself safely, and you may also be wrong about not being able to enjoy power dynamics on a sexual level. With communication and boundaries, you can potentially construct a space for yourself and your girlfriend where you can both have a good time, and even if it doesn’t work, you’ll both be able to understand why, and learn from the experience without getting hurt.

Unless, of course, the nature of your problem is that you’re thinking “Communication? Boundaries? Safewords? I don’t want to do those things!” In which case you were right the first time, you’re a shitty top and should not play with anyone.

Cross posted with permission from She Said He Said. Reprinted from The Good Men Project.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the advice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the advice women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well. 'Like' them on Facebook.

The History of Kink

We love kink. If you don't find us thinking about it, you might find us getting a little freaky on Freaky Friday. What better way to show our admiration than define where kink came from in the first place? The first in a series on the history of kink, GetLusty's Ms. CherriesJubalie is here to present the history of kink. Today's episode: the ancient world. You don't know where kink came from? Join us and read on.

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My definition

My definition of kink is that it is an unconventional sexual preference or a person who has an unconventional sexual preference.  Kink is a broad term that covers the lifestyle, concepts and aspects of BDSM or Bondage and Domination/Sado-Masochism. In short “kink” is anything sexual you want it to be. Kink is such a broad subject and a term that really covers far more possible variations than any one person could imagine. That said--let’s presume that as long as there have been humans, there has been something that has been considered kinky throughout history.

Since kink can range from Anal Sex and Animal Play to Bondage, Flagellation, Spanking, and things not everyone is able to view without wincing or turning away--kink can almost be documented from the beginning of human history.  Cave paintings have images of humans running around with animal heads hunting or performing some form of ritual and having an erect penis.  Contrast that with putting a leather dog head muzzle on my submissive and making him masturbate by humping my leg—I can see “kink” pretty much anywhere.  Kink is cross-cultural and embedded in the history of human kind.

Kink historically

Ancient history is ripe with stories of Gods taking the shape of animals and ravishing human women.  Zeus abducted Europa in the shape of a white bull and had sex with her.

Homer documented this story in the Iliad along with countless other activities.  The witch-Goddess of Circe turned men into pigs in the Odyssey.  Sappho, the lyricist/poetess from the island of Lesbos in the 7^th Century B.C. writes about loving other females.  It wasn’t until the 19^th century when Victorian writers attributed the term Lesbian to female homosexuality.  We do have to ask ourselves though if we consider it kinky if that was the cultural standard. 

The Greeks encouraged men to love each other and have sexual relations with them in addition to sex with their wives.  Sex was seen as an artistic expression of pleasure.  Sparta thought you would be a fiercer soldier if you had a lover in the trenches with you.  Having sexual relations outside of marriage was considered the usual practice.  Even today in Europe it is not uncommon to have both a wife and mistress.  So do we call that kinky simply because it is not our contemporary cultural standard sex relationship?

The Romans made a whole new chapter in kink history.  They too had informal sex practices and through legal Roman documents we know that it was a crime to have sex with a Free-born citizen if you didn’t pay them.  Prostitutes had a specific social status and often got very involved in politics and were a protected class.

The writer Theopompus of Chios in the 4^th century B.C. writes about an Etruscan feast where everyone got so drunk it ended in a public orgy. Hell yeah! [that, was my reptile brain talking.]  According to his writings, after the drinking stopped courtesans and boys were brought in for the males to make use of and their wives were serviced by “lusty young men.”  To top it off, artwork depicts shaved women having sex with men in positions that would make Olympic gymnasts look stiff though it was the men nude and the women wearing clothes. 

In Roman culture the intimacy of having a meal with someone socially was more important than having sexual relations, though being publicly seen to have a lot of sex regardless of what kind was disreputable and seen as a pitfall.  Be perverse as you want but within moderation apparently was the M.O. 

Roman culture included what we would be considered pretty kinky in their wartime activities.  A topless woman would ride at the front of the army as the symbol of the Venus Victrix [Goddess of Victory].  Personally, might be a distraction to see boobs bouncing on horseback if I were facing an army, but not for long.

Apparently, the Roman Army often had issues went it went on the march.  After a campaign that included crossing the Alps with elephants, Hannibal’s army wintered troops in Capua and spent so much time drinking and debauching in the town the troops had to withdraw from attacking Carthage.  On the other hand, it was common practice of Roman soldiers to face fuck their opponents as a form of Domination. The honor code of the soldier required him to be the penetrator of the oral rape; it was the ultimate in humiliation play.

Early Roman wedding rituals were pretty kinky and some included the bride having to publicly penetrate with a wooden phallus.  Some regions also had the potential bride be used by the groom’s friends prior to the wedding.

Other contemporary cultures also had erotic artwork depicting unusual sex acts.  The Egyptians had men and women cavorting in various sexual poses.  Depictions of homosexual intimacy were found on tomb carvings.  Animals of two different breeds were carved in the act of sex with large phallus.  The kings and queens of Egypt intermarried with each other in incestuous relationships and sodomy was depicted with not just humans, but also bulls and goats.  While the Romans practiced fellatio—the Egyptians had no records of sucking cock except an extremely acrobatic self-fellatio. 

One practice that was more out of necessity than perhaps fetish, was Necrophilia.  The embalmers of Ancient Egypt smelled so strongly of their materials that prostitutes refused their business.  I suppose if a good-looking corpse came along they used the opportunity.

The ancient world had a myriad of cultures and humankind has had an active and kinky sex life. Various cultures treated sexuality in different ways, which makes the concept of kink difficult to define.  Today kink covers a vast connection of sexual activities many of them have been performed throughout history.  We will discover more kinky cultures, activities, and toys in the next segment. Do stay tuned to GetLusty.com for more!

Ms. CherriesJubalie is a unique Burlesque performance artist and active member of the Chicago Leather Community. She is a sex-positive educator and travels to local and national lifestyle events, art shows, and charity fundraisers. An enigma, she has appeared on NBC's America's Got Talent where censors determined her "ass is too dangerous for Prime Time TV." She has appeared in independent films and is a featured performer on Kink.com's HogTied. An internationally known Shibari Rope Artist and fetish model, you can see her in the pages of Germany's Bondage Magazine and on the cover of numerous books and novels. Follow Ms. Cherries on Twitter or e-mail her at cherry@getlusty.com.

The Importance of Safewords

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Sexual Role Play 101 for Couples

Role playing is always a fun way to have more sexual adventures. With some negotiation and a safe word, and lots of consent, role-playing can be amazingly, orgasmic foreplay to sex or great on its own!

Tracy Cooper-Posey, author of hot erotic paranormal romance novels, is here with ways to get started with role-playing if you are a newbie! Get ready to have some fun with these great tips and inspirational role-playing ideas!

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Does the thought of her dressing up like a real hooker make you roll your eyes at the childishness of it all? If the idea of him playing doctor to your nurse makes you cringe or blush, read on.

You’ve been missing out on a whole, well, closet full of sexual fun and adventure. If you’re not sure how to start, or not sure you even want to, consider this: Sexual role-playing is one of the easiest and safest ways to spice up a committed couple’s sex life, and it has endless variations and possibilities.

But if you feel stupid doing it, it’s not going to work for you. You have to ease yourself into the role, the mood and the role-playing mindset. So, we’ve outlined a few simple steps for doing just that.

What is role play?

Sexual role-playing, apart from being enormously fun, usually involves you and your partner (but you can take your role playing public, if you’re careful), taking on roles in a sexual fantasy that is part of foreplay and highly arousing. The role-playing may or may not involve wearing costumes or clothing. It could simply involve donning a different persona or character. Some very elaborate role-playing can involve entire sets, scenery, props, and extras (additional people who are aware of the fantasy being played out and enhance it by acting their part).

6 role play ideas:

#1 Doctor and nurse 

Traditionally, the doctor is the man, but these days the roles could be played by either gender. However, the appeal of the fantasy is the costumes…and not scrubs, either!

#2 Tradesman and housewife

A strange tradesman enters the housewife’s home and the interaction that ensues is up to the couple….

#3 Photographer and model

The photography session starts out innocently enough… Slave and Master: There is virtually no need to explain this one. It is limited only by your imagination and personal comfort zones. Gender roles can be switched around for this one, too.

#4 Teacher and student 

I don’t think there’s too many men who haven’t enjoyed the idea of having a girl-woman in short pleated skirt and bobby socks at their command. Again, this is a fantasy that can switch genders happily.

#5 Hooker/Escort and client

From street walker to high paid escort, the variations in this one are endless. And with some imagination, the gender roles can easily be reversed, too.

#6 Stripper and client

You can make this as authentic as you want…or not. “No touching” adds an element of teasing that increases the effectiveness of any home-grown lap dance.


Create your own role play versions

The common element in all these popular fantasies is that they have a position of power in them. The doctor, the master, the teacher, the hooker, the photographer and the trademan are all able to control their counterparts in some way, either because of their positions of authority or because of the situation they are in.

These are not situations and roles we normally find ourselves in from day to day, which is what provides the rush of novelty and pleasure in role-playing. They are also often roles and situations that edge into dark areas of human nature, such as the master/slave scenario.

Because this is role-playing, it allows us to explore such situations in a way that is safe and consensual. As long as you and your partner thoroughly discuss your role-playing beforehand, even such role-playing as forced-sex is possible (see basic rules, below).

3 ways to ease into role play

#1 Start with something simple

If the whole idea of dressing up and pretending to be someone else makes your eyes roll, but you’re still curious about role-playing, then don’t dress up. Pick a scenario that involves only street clothes, or not dressing up at all. Keep it short and simple.

#2 Drop all your inhibitions and reservations 

The first few times you try role-playing, you have to willingly and actively cooperative to make it work. That means taking a deep breath, dropping all your skepticism, and playing the part assigned to you, no matter how silly you feel. At first you may feel completely stupid, but it passes. You have to get into the role and let your mind take over. Remember that your brain is the biggest errogeneous zone you have. Once you’re past the initial awkwardness, you’ll become aroused and after that you’ll wonder why you waited so long to try this.

#3 Experiment with more complex scenarios

As you become more comfortable and grow to enjoy role-playing, you and your partner can extend the scenarios, the costumes and the settings. The variations are truly endless.

5 basic rules to remember

There are some simple precautions you should bear in mind when role-playing.

#1 Preparation is key

Talk, talk, talk with your partner. Make sure you both know exactly what the scenario is supposed to be, and your roles within it.

#2 Know what is on the blacklist

Related to #1, but opposite. While you should both know what to expect, you should both know what not to do. What you partner is worried about happening (or not happening) within the scenario. No one should be forced into doing what they don’t want to do.

#3 Have a safe word 

The BDSM world provided this handy little practice and it’s a good one. A safe word has to be a word unlikely to be spoken within the scenario: “Pineapples,” or “Suffragettes!” Your partner can’t simply cry ‘no!’ or ‘stop!’ as these words may be part of their role-playing. But if they utter the safe word, you’ll know you need to cease what you’re doing immediately.

#4 Pick a scenario that suits both of you

You need a situation that turns you both on. Sometimes a simple shift in a situation (high class hooker rather than street walker) or costume (see through floor length robe rather than crotch-length satin) makes the difference so it works for both of you. If not, finding a different fantasy altogether might be necessary.

Don’t forget, what doesn’t work this time may appeal at a later date, especially if it’s only a luke-warm response. Don’t cross scenarios off your list forever. Circle back to them another time and reconsider them. Again, talking beforehand will smooth out a lot of the wrinkles.

#5 Deconstruct each role-playing occassion 

Quarterbacking after the game may seem cold and crass, but for role-playing it enhances the next occasion. Stopping in the middle of a scenario to make suggestions about language or technique can ruin the mood and the role-playing is broken, so discussion is best kept for afterwards. This is when you can--and should--provide as much feedback as you can to your partner about what worked for you and what didn’t, down to the smallest details, and including the language they used, any props, scenery, etc.

You should also tell them what you wished they had done. Your partner should do the same for you and you need to pay attention. It is the details that can ruin or enhance a fantasy. Each time you enact a scenario, and deconstruct it afterwards, you are getting a step closer to your partner’s ideal fantasies… and yours. 

Tracy Cooper-Posey is a #1 Amazon best selling indie author of hot erotic paranormal romance and romantic suspense. She has been nominated for 5 CAPAs including Favourite Author, and won the Emma Darcy Award. Her books have been nominated three times for Book Of The Year. On her popular blog she posts about MMF romance, vampires sexuality and the intersection of fiction and sex. An Australian, she lives in Edmonton, Canada with her husband, a professional wrestler. Find Tracy at her blog, Facebook, Twitter @TracyCP or  at Amazon!

Do 'Vanilla' and 'Kinky' Sex Crossover?

We have used the terms "vanilla" and "kink" a lot around here. But, why should we be so exclusive? Plenty of people out there could fall into both categories and not even know it! Sunny Megatron, sex educator and sex expert, wants to rid us of those two words because we all have a little vanilla and a little kink in us. Its not fair to corner yourself to only one side. We written extensively on BDSM, and Sunny Megatron is our sex educator extraordinaire, so read on!
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When it comes to vanillas and kinksters there’s a real “us” and “them” attitude. It’s like the Sharks and the Jets (Yes, I’m showing my age . . . and my love for musicals. Quiet, or I’ll dance fight your ass). If you’re one, you can’t be the other. You should never let it be known you occasionally associate with the opposing side, right? Look how badly that turned out for Tony and Maria. It’s also assumed if you’re on one side, you think the other is less than worthy. Breaking it down to basic stereotypes, vanillas think kinksters are scary and weird. Kinksters think vanillas are unadventurous and boring.

I can’t tell you how many times a self identified vanilla has asked me, “How do I tell my partner I want some new things in bed? I’ve never told them I like some light spanks and nibbles— even a hand on the throat sometimes. I’d love for them to take charge a bit more and be more demanding. I also really enjoy role-playing. But don’t think I’m into, like, *makes the face* BDSM or anything. All that crazy stuff is just too freaky for me!”

Clothing

I’m not sure what most people think BDSM is? Sawing people in half while wearing all leather? Let’s examine a few “other side” observations about BDSM: The Outfits Practicing BDSM does not require special clothing. Yes, I’ve heard people say, “How silly would I look practicing S&M!? No one wants to see my muffin-top popping through a latex catsuit!” Or “I wouldn’t mind taking charge a little bit, it could be fun— but there’s no way I’d even try kink because of those outlandish get-ups they wear!”

You can be naked, in work clothes, lingerie, jeans and a sassy sweater, a baseball uniform, a space suit– whatever you like! The clothes in no way define the action. Yes, the leather and whips are what we see in porn, magazines and on TV— that’s because it’s flashy (and hot to spank it to). It’s also a stereotype. Nope, I don’t want to see my muffin-top in a catsuit either and I can’t walk in heels to save my life– but I still practice BDSM. I often do it in the ratty old nightgown I got from Old Navy.

BDSM acronym explained 

The Acronym BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline/Dominance & Submission/Sadism & Masochism. It can be one or more of these things but for many it’s rarely all. Sometimes do you like your lover to take charge, pin you up against the wall and give you direction? That’s dominance and submission.

Do you like to give your partner a smack on the ass or hold them a bit tightly? What about a little bite or nibble? Have you ever left a little mark that’s visible the next day? Sadism! If you like receiving, that’s masochism.

Do you enjoy restraining your lover? Pinning their hands behind their back or above their head? Perhaps tying their wrists or ankles together with a scarf or tie? Bondage!

If you have done any of these things, you are practicing elements of BDSM without even realizing it.

Also, kinky people do not necessarily like every kind of freaky activity under the sun (most don’t). Just because you enjoy being tied up every once and a while does not mean you also have to like pain and vice versa. If you are into the BD but not the SM you are still technically considered a practitioner of BDSM. It’s a common misconception that people have to be into the B, the D, the S and the M to be considered kinky.

The gear 

Many assume you need to have: expensive floggers, whips, ball gags and a saw-a-person-in-half machine to effectively practice BDSM. Have you ever used a scarf or tie to blindfold a partner? Yes? Then you’ve engaged in sensory deprivation on a dime!

Use that same scarf or tie to restrain their hands or feet— we’re back to bondage again. What about that French maid costume from three Halloweens ago you got out that one night to surprise your partner just for kicks? Sexual roleplay! You can even grab some clothes pins out of the laundry room for impromptu nipple clamps. While you’re in the laundry room, grab the clothes line rope too— it’s great for restraint. Even something as simple as a wooden kitchen spoon makes a wonderful paddle.

Whether you’ve used these items in a vanilla setting “once just for fun” or intended to use them for sinister and mysterious (that’s sarcastic) BDSM, you’ve discovered pervertables! Pervertables are common household items repurposed as sexy/kinky accessories. With pervertables you can get your kink on for little to no money. Many of us, vanilla and kinky alike, have used pervertables (think cucumbers or that phallic shaped shampoo bottle that was popular in the 90s. Uh huh. You know you did).

The only piece of gear you must have to practice kink is your mind. They always say the greatest (vanilla) sexual organ is the brain— the same goes for kinky sex. All you really need is your imagination and creativity.

Public play

“BDSM sounds sort of interesting but I just can’t do it. I can’t have sex in front of people or go to kinky parties! Also, I’m in a happy monogamous relationship, I can’t do that with other people—EW! That is just NOT my thing!” Yes, some kinksters do go to parties, play publicly and play with multiple partners even if they are in a committed primary relationship. Those folks are only a small piece of the pie, however.

 There are scores of people who identify as kinky but only share that with their partners. They don’t belong to internet groups, go to parties or shout it from the rooftops. We’re not sure how many of those are out there but I’m willing to bet it’s quite a few. Then add to that the people who are kinky who don’t realize they are (the “I’m into hair pulling, spanking and I occasionally like to go in the bathtub and pee on my partner but I’m not into any of that freaky BDSM stuff or anything” types). See where I’m going with this?

Public players are usually very dedicated to their sexy hobby. They also aren’t afraid to tell everyone about it. These folks have blogs dedicated to kink, join BDSM social groups and websites, they are even the people writing the BDSM books. Just because the public kinksters have the loudest mouths, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are an accurate representation of the entire kinky pie.

Think of public kinksters as the crisscross patterned golden crust everyone sees on the surface of the pie— but what about the hidden sweet filling?

Private BDSM players

Much of that pie filling is comprised of private players. These are your neighbors who like to get their freak on alone in their bedroom once a month when the kids are away on a Cub Scout sleepover. It’s your roommate who told you one night after a few beers they prefer lovers who are rough, commanding and pull on their hair. It might even be you. Many of these pie filling people don’t even realize they are kinky! But how could that be? How can someone not know they are practicing BDSM? Well, namely because there really is no “US and THEM,” a least not in a clear-cut sense. When it comes to vanilla vs. kink activities there’s a huge crossover. Break it down like this, for instance . . .

Are you vanilla or kink?

Vanilla acts = regular intercourse, oral sex, kissing, light touching, giggling, etc.

Kinky acts = spanking, retraining, biting/nibbling, telling someone what to do/doing as told, pain (hair pulling, squeezing, pinching, etc), role-playing, using toys, etc.

Most of us, self identified kinky or vanilla, engage in activities from both categories during play. I’m kinky but I still engage in intercourse, oral sex and pretty much everything from the vanilla list. I can guarantee a large percentage of the vanilla folks dig some of the stuff on the kinky list also.

When it comes to sexual/intimate activities we can’t agree on what is kinky or vanilla. To some, sex toys are kinky but to others, they are commonplace. On which list would you put anal sex? 69? Cumming on someone’s face? Tickling? Calling your partner a “good little whore”? Pinching nipples very hard? It’s all subjective.

The writing of this blog post was inspired by the mental image of a Venn diagram that popped into my head randomly a few nights ago. I’ve drawn it out for you. Forgive me for using Microsoft Paint. Part of my brain still lives in 1997.

On the vanilla side we can include basic activities like kissing, snuggling and missionary position sex with the lights out. The kink side would clearly include some of the more extreme things such as play piercing/blood play, scat and perhaps clown sex.

But again, this is all subjective. I can’t really put electric play in the Kink category because housewives of middle America are currently loving the Jopen Intensity vibrator/kegel exerciser. That toy is marketed to the mainstream but operates based on the same principles as a TENS unit (usually associated with BDSM). These vanilla ladies are receiving the exact same sensation as they would from an insertable BDSM electric device but they’d never guess!

Stop "us" versus "them" 

So what’s the point? Simply, stop playing “Us and Them.” Pointing the finger at others prevents us from experimenting, growing and discovering what we enjoy sexually. It ultimately keeps us from being happy.

If I’m into BDSM and I feel like having a slow, tender, vanilla lovemaking session I should be able to tell my partner I want that without fearing they’ll think I’ve lost my edge. If I’m vanilla and have been longing for my lover yank me by the hair and give my ass a good smack, I should be able to ask for that without being afraid they’ll think I’m a weirdo. It’s not about living up to your self proclaimed label, it’s about doing what feels right.

Homework

Your task: ask your lover to try out that thing you’ve been thinking about but we’re too afraid to bring up for fear they’d think it was out of character for you. You might find it’s easier than you imagined to delve into some of those things you always thought would remain just a fantasy.

Originally posted at Sunny Megatron's blog.

Sunny Megatron is a pleasure advocate, adult sex educator, sex blogger, sexpert, and unintentional superhero. Sunny not only hosts Red Light District Sex Tours for Weird Chicago Tours, she also teaches classes such as: Networking for Kinky People, BDSM 101, and Junk for Your Junk: Sex Toys 101. She is passionate about sex positivity, sex exploration and sex education/safety. The female orgasm is one of Sunny's favorite topics and she has helped hundreds of women have their very first G-spot orgasm.