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Feel Better About BDSM

There is often a great deal of confusion surrounding BDSM. People have desires and fantasies they want to act out, but feel guilty or uncomfortable with the idea. It can turn into a difficult situation to approach with your partner. With BDSM, the distinctions between excitement and discomfort often become blurred. Without guidance, confusion and miscommunication can lead to frustration. Luckily, Good Men Project is here to advice! Sex advice gurus Eli and Josie received a reader question along the same lines. They answered with help from Noah Brand on how this man should address his conflicted feelings towards fulfilling his girlfriend's S&M fantasies.

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Dear Sexes: My girlfriend just recently told me that she’s into S&M and she knows that I had a master/slave relationship in the past. What she doesn’t know is that it’s not sexual to me. It pulls up a very ugly and repressed emotion/mentality. I want to do whatever I can to fulfill her fantasies, but I’m pretty uncomfortable with mentally accessing that part of me far enough for ME to enjoy it. Is this a common feeling? How safe is it for me to try this out? And when can I call it quits, having done my duty?

She Said: First and foremost, the way you just phrased that to us is probably the perfect way to explain your feelings to your girlfriend. There’s a chance that she may just want to explore the S&M side of herself, and isn’t even sure if it’s going to be something she needs, in which case you’d be off the hook.

There’s also the chance that she thinks that somewhere deep inside, because of your former relationship, that you need some element of BDSM to be fulfilled. To me, this is a case of you two just needing to have an open-hearted conversation.

However, we wanted to reach out to our friend, Noah Brand from The Good Men Project and No Seriously What About The Menz, who knows more about less-mainstream sexuality than we do, in order to get you a more knowledgeable response. Hopefully between the three of us, we can help!

He Said: I know this question is about S&M, but forget about that aspect for a moment. Your girlfriend wants to try something romantically/sexually that you’ve tried in the past, aren’t particularly into now, and sort of object to personally. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, and you should not force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Additionally, your girlfriend would (most likely) not want you do anything that compromised your values, or even personal tastes.

On the other hand, you’re in a relationship, so compromise (often) and communication (always) are required. Sit down with your girlfriend and discuss your fears, goals, and ideas about this scenario. Make sure you get your thoughts out, and do your best to listen carefully. The two of you may have more common ground than you think. And the more open you are with each other, the better chance you give each other to succeed.

Now, a few words from our guest expert. Noah - take it away.

Noah Said: It’s hard to give specific advice without knowing specific details, but if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that you’re worried about being an abusive top. (You are the top in these scenarios?) Rather than just being a fun kinky thrill for you, you’re worried that this kind of power play taps into a darker and more dangerous part of your psyche. If that’s not actually your problem, please write in again and explain more and we’ll tackle the question again.

To answer your question - that’s not all that uncommon. Most conscious and responsible tops feel some level of tension between the enjoyment of power and the fear of abusing it. Sounds like in your case that tension’s a bit higher than most, but that’s not necessarily an insurmountable problem. The solution is the solution to literally almost all kink problems: communication, limits, and boundaries.

First and foremost, talk openly with your girlfriend about her specific fantasies and your own feelings. Do the things she wants even overlap with the things you fear doing? Did you just start to answer that question without asking her first? You say she doesn’t know about your repressed emotions? I say she probably should. Talk about these things very specifically and very honestly, with minimal “Oh, you know what I mean” or “I guess just anything” or phrases like that. The kink worksheet created by the great Cliff Pervocracy is a good starting point.

From there, you need to set clear limits and boundaries, and you must be clear that you are BOTH allowed to set those. You have every much a right to say “I’m not comfortable doing that to you” as she does to say “I’m not comfortable having that done to me.” It will help if you can do some trust exercises: the trust needs to go both ways. You need to know that she can use a safeword if she has to, that she can look out for her own safety and well-being, and she needs to know that you will respect her safeword - that you won’t go too far.

What I’m saying is that you may be wrong about not being able to explore this side of yourself safely, and you may also be wrong about not being able to enjoy power dynamics on a sexual level. With communication and boundaries, you can potentially construct a space for yourself and your girlfriend where you can both have a good time, and even if it doesn’t work, you’ll both be able to understand why, and learn from the experience without getting hurt.

Unless, of course, the nature of your problem is that you’re thinking “Communication? Boundaries? Safewords? I don’t want to do those things!” In which case you were right the first time, you’re a shitty top and should not play with anyone.

Cross posted with permission from She Said He Said. Reprinted from The Good Men Project.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the advice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the advice women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well. 'Like' them on Facebook.

The History of Kink

We love kink. If you don't find us thinking about it, you might find us getting a little freaky on Freaky Friday. What better way to show our admiration than define where kink came from in the first place? The first in a series on the history of kink, GetLusty's Ms. CherriesJubalie is here to present the history of kink. Today's episode: the ancient world. You don't know where kink came from? Join us and read on.

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My definition

My definition of kink is that it is an unconventional sexual preference or a person who has an unconventional sexual preference.  Kink is a broad term that covers the lifestyle, concepts and aspects of BDSM or Bondage and Domination/Sado-Masochism. In short “kink” is anything sexual you want it to be. Kink is such a broad subject and a term that really covers far more possible variations than any one person could imagine. That said--let’s presume that as long as there have been humans, there has been something that has been considered kinky throughout history.

Since kink can range from Anal Sex and Animal Play to Bondage, Flagellation, Spanking, and things not everyone is able to view without wincing or turning away--kink can almost be documented from the beginning of human history.  Cave paintings have images of humans running around with animal heads hunting or performing some form of ritual and having an erect penis.  Contrast that with putting a leather dog head muzzle on my submissive and making him masturbate by humping my leg—I can see “kink” pretty much anywhere.  Kink is cross-cultural and embedded in the history of human kind.

Kink historically

Ancient history is ripe with stories of Gods taking the shape of animals and ravishing human women.  Zeus abducted Europa in the shape of a white bull and had sex with her.

Homer documented this story in the Iliad along with countless other activities.  The witch-Goddess of Circe turned men into pigs in the Odyssey.  Sappho, the lyricist/poetess from the island of Lesbos in the 7^th Century B.C. writes about loving other females.  It wasn’t until the 19^th century when Victorian writers attributed the term Lesbian to female homosexuality.  We do have to ask ourselves though if we consider it kinky if that was the cultural standard. 

The Greeks encouraged men to love each other and have sexual relations with them in addition to sex with their wives.  Sex was seen as an artistic expression of pleasure.  Sparta thought you would be a fiercer soldier if you had a lover in the trenches with you.  Having sexual relations outside of marriage was considered the usual practice.  Even today in Europe it is not uncommon to have both a wife and mistress.  So do we call that kinky simply because it is not our contemporary cultural standard sex relationship?

The Romans made a whole new chapter in kink history.  They too had informal sex practices and through legal Roman documents we know that it was a crime to have sex with a Free-born citizen if you didn’t pay them.  Prostitutes had a specific social status and often got very involved in politics and were a protected class.

The writer Theopompus of Chios in the 4^th century B.C. writes about an Etruscan feast where everyone got so drunk it ended in a public orgy. Hell yeah! [that, was my reptile brain talking.]  According to his writings, after the drinking stopped courtesans and boys were brought in for the males to make use of and their wives were serviced by “lusty young men.”  To top it off, artwork depicts shaved women having sex with men in positions that would make Olympic gymnasts look stiff though it was the men nude and the women wearing clothes. 

In Roman culture the intimacy of having a meal with someone socially was more important than having sexual relations, though being publicly seen to have a lot of sex regardless of what kind was disreputable and seen as a pitfall.  Be perverse as you want but within moderation apparently was the M.O. 

Roman culture included what we would be considered pretty kinky in their wartime activities.  A topless woman would ride at the front of the army as the symbol of the Venus Victrix [Goddess of Victory].  Personally, might be a distraction to see boobs bouncing on horseback if I were facing an army, but not for long.

Apparently, the Roman Army often had issues went it went on the march.  After a campaign that included crossing the Alps with elephants, Hannibal’s army wintered troops in Capua and spent so much time drinking and debauching in the town the troops had to withdraw from attacking Carthage.  On the other hand, it was common practice of Roman soldiers to face fuck their opponents as a form of Domination. The honor code of the soldier required him to be the penetrator of the oral rape; it was the ultimate in humiliation play.

Early Roman wedding rituals were pretty kinky and some included the bride having to publicly penetrate with a wooden phallus.  Some regions also had the potential bride be used by the groom’s friends prior to the wedding.

Other contemporary cultures also had erotic artwork depicting unusual sex acts.  The Egyptians had men and women cavorting in various sexual poses.  Depictions of homosexual intimacy were found on tomb carvings.  Animals of two different breeds were carved in the act of sex with large phallus.  The kings and queens of Egypt intermarried with each other in incestuous relationships and sodomy was depicted with not just humans, but also bulls and goats.  While the Romans practiced fellatio—the Egyptians had no records of sucking cock except an extremely acrobatic self-fellatio. 

One practice that was more out of necessity than perhaps fetish, was Necrophilia.  The embalmers of Ancient Egypt smelled so strongly of their materials that prostitutes refused their business.  I suppose if a good-looking corpse came along they used the opportunity.

The ancient world had a myriad of cultures and humankind has had an active and kinky sex life. Various cultures treated sexuality in different ways, which makes the concept of kink difficult to define.  Today kink covers a vast connection of sexual activities many of them have been performed throughout history.  We will discover more kinky cultures, activities, and toys in the next segment. Do stay tuned to GetLusty.com for more!

Ms. CherriesJubalie is a unique Burlesque performance artist and active member of the Chicago Leather Community. She is a sex-positive educator and travels to local and national lifestyle events, art shows, and charity fundraisers. An enigma, she has appeared on NBC's America's Got Talent where censors determined her "ass is too dangerous for Prime Time TV." She has appeared in independent films and is a featured performer on Kink.com's HogTied. An internationally known Shibari Rope Artist and fetish model, you can see her in the pages of Germany's Bondage Magazine and on the cover of numerous books and novels. Follow Ms. Cherries on Twitter or e-mail her at cherry@getlusty.com.